My Abuser Scare’s Me…

First of all, I don’t feel that I am in any physical danger.

My abuse is mental. She works on me constantly, with a mixture of gas lighting and other head games that make me wander in circles second guessing myself. Makes me sometimes wonder who I really am and if I am maybe truly the person, she tells others I am.

But I am scared, scared that she will leave, that she will take our son, and that I will never be able to see him again.

You see, I am Transgender, but not fully transitioned. I live in a constant fear that someday, she will kick me out or leave when she feels her games no longer work well enough on me, and that when I try to tell everyone of the abuse I go through on a daily basis, no one will believe that the big, massive “guy” whom they perceive me as, could possibly be abused, even mentally, by a woman.

I fear that the F on my driver’s license, or even on my birth certificate once that is finished, will save me from the perception that I should be able to “take care of myself” and at some level, I guess that’s true.

I guess since I was able to write this, to see this, to post this, that she shouldn’t have any hold on me, but she does.

And now I guess I have no real hope of anyone understanding still.

As I write this, I feel as if everything is unraveling, even more than before.

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